GROUNDHOGS DAY IS EVERY DAY.
I shit you not, our day has been running in the exact same way for almost one whole year. Think I’m joking? Here’s our roadmap:
5am - 6am: One kid wakes up with a poo or a missing stuffie, my husband sleeps while I wipe an ass or locate some random bunny that I’ve never seen before but my kid suddenly can’t live without.
6am - 7am: Awake kid comes to bed with me. Everyone except me falls back asleep. I read the news. Huge mistake. I lay awake staring at the ceiling trying not to obsess about whatever shitty thing is going on in the world.
7am – 730am: I finally fall back asleep and have one of those vivid dreams only to be woken back up mid-dream. Nothing more unsatisfying than that. Let the day begin!
730am – 830am: I don my chef hat and make 3 separate breakfasts to order, finally sit down to eat mine only to be asked for about 4200 more things. My breakfast is cold. I ask kids to get dressed for school, kids come down naked or in a full costume. I ask them to get dressed or change and they come down again this time in summer clothes that were packed up in a cupboard. We negotiate putting on pants and I call that a win. Everyone brushes teeth and we haul ass to the door to negotiate who gets pink hat and who gets sequin hat.
830am – 9am: I drive the kids to school and we debate between Kidsbop radio or 90’s hip hop. Guess who wins?
9am – 930am: Kids are dropped off and I am free so I obviously spent my precious alone time in the car listening to Kidsbop without realizing it because SFW lyrics are the new white noise.
10am- 2pm: I try to squeeze my whole day into 4.5 hours before they come home.
2pm: Pick up time. I was rushing because of the above time allotment and I forgot to bring a car snack so now going to deal with at least one kid crying. IT’S ALL SO GRATIFYING.
230pm – 5pm: We come home and I prepare snacks so the kids can argue over who gets pink plate. I then deal with one kid having a meltdown because they had to have purple plate and nothing in life is fair. We do art, we play Lego, we play dolls and then I have the audacity to take 5 seconds mid building them an epic fort to check a work email and have kids tell me I don’t pay enough attention to them.
5pm: TV time AKA 30 minutes of pure fucking silence.
530pm – 6: My husband cooks dinner and I make them a plate of food fit for a Michelin Star restaurant and then listen to how gross all the food is. Every dinner, I internally promise that I won’t nag about food, I obviously nag about food, hate myself for nagging about food. Dinner is done. No one ate a thing.
6pm-7pm: We use this time to try to play a family game except my older kid is crazy competitive so “game time” is usually just her throwing a tantrum if she doesn’t win or smack talking the entire family if she does. It’s precious, really.
7pm – 730: We call this time pure defeat and spend it begging the kids to get ready for bed, they ignore us. It also happens to coincide with their most hyper time of day – go figure.
730 – 8: We commence the very elaborate bedtime routine that I wish we had never invented that takes about 4 million years and consists of but is not limited to: books, stories, music, games, interrogations and cuddles.
8pm – 11pm: My husband and I meet for adult time which means a quick chat about the day (usually just rehashing the news), a joint, a show, possibly sex and bedtime.
11pm: My husband is asleep, the kids are asleep and I’m lying in bed ruminating on something weird I said today in a Zoom call.
Midnight: Am I asleep yet? Who knows but I'm done for the day... or am I?