She’s always been very different ever since she was a little baby. She was never interested in toys but instead focused on running around. She struggles at school because she likes the social aspect of it but hates the academic aspect of it. It’s horrible for her. She has no confidence and people are always calling her disruptive but what they don’t understand is that she’s not trying to be disruptive, she just can’t help it. Her brain works differently than everyone else’s does. Her teacher is talking about different types of soil and she’s looking outside wondering when any other conversation will happen. She is eight and a half now and she has very typical and very severe ADHD. It’s very hard for her to concentrate and very hard for her to focus on something.
I’ve always had my kids in different programs to help stimulate their brains so she has always been swimming. It is a huge part of her life. She is a water girl. It allows her to feel free. She’s always in something but all of those things have been stripped from her now. She has no outlets in Covid to do anything. All the things that helped her release her energy or frustrations are gone so because of all that, it’s coming out in other ways now.
She is so challenging at home and her confidence is the lowest it’s ever been because she doesn’t have the reinforcement from her teacher one-on-one. No one gives a fuck about her online, they just want to get through it but she really struggles in every shape and form. Even during “recess time” where at school she’d be out running and releasing all her energy or just changing her mind from a learning brain to an active mind, she doesn’t have that. So now, every second she asks to go outside and play. My son can sit and watch an ipad during recess time if I’m doing something but for her, there is none of that. There is no downtime in this house with her. It’s always go, go, go. There is never a chill moment. She’s the most unchill kid you’ve ever met. She wakes up so early and the second she wakes up it’s go time. Today we were outside walking the dog and we hit 6k by 6:30am.
But she has a heart of gold. Any chance she gets to have a task that’s not in this house, she will do it. If she sees something it will consume her brain like, every summer she donates her hair because when she was a little girl, 4 years ago, we were at the mall and she saw a kid who was bald - presumably from cancer - and ever since that day, she decided to donate her hair. If she wants something - like right now she wants an American Girl doll and they are so expensive - she will get it. She made a bead business and she decided that once she made enough money for the doll, the rest of the money would go to the sick kids at the hospital she was born at. She is very task oriented and it’s really important for her to have things to do that are not school related. And this is how she copes. She finds ways to be busy and I don’t think she sees it as a way to cope but it’s something that’s good for her. It’s very self-directed. If she has an idea, I will provide the supplies she needs but otherwise it’s up to her.
How do I cope? I do a lot of swearing. I really try to be super real with her. I don’t sugar coat things. But honestly, I don’t cope half of the time. Some days I try to be empathetic to how hard it is for her. I talk to a psychologist once a week just to find ways to deal with her. I find it so challenging.
I go to bed some nights in tears and I go into her room and I lay beside her and I’m so regretful of how mean I am to her because I am so mean to her some days. I’m so remorseful for the things I've said or the thoughts I've had and there are many nights I go to bed crying. It takes a lot for me to feel sad, but many nights I go to bed devastated by my own actions and I feel so guilty. Some nights I even wake her up to say, I’m sorry.