The one about postpartum hemmoraging

When I was eight days postpartum with my second, I thought I was in the clear. I couldn't believe how much better the second time felt. Not sure if it was because I had a toddler and didn't have a choice but even the recovery was easier. I was up walking around and doing things so much earlier. I  was even bragging about how good I felt - a real joke looking back now. 

On that eighth day after friends left from a nice socially distanced visit in our backyard, I sat down on our couch and passed a large clot, the size of an apple. It seemed weird since I was past the early postpartum days and something started feeling off. I sat down for a bit and fed my newborn and when I stood up, I started bleeding profusely. I bled through paper towel after paper towel and then through four pads, almost instantly. I was standing in my kitchen, frozen, bleeding all over the floor. It wouldn't stop. We called my midwife and were advised to go to the ER immediately. We called our neighbor to watch the kids in a panic. 

I cried the entire way to the hospital. What was happening, why was it happening, I just want to be home with my kids. 

After two days in the hospital and a surgery, where I was alone because of COVID and couldn't even see my new baby, I was sent back home and expected to just continue on. The hospital was its own horrific nightmare from being stuck in the ER for way too long, to pumping and sending milk back to my husband when I could barely sit up. 

Anyway, I'm home now and I'm weak, dizzy, tired and suffering from what I think is just a bit of PTSD (replaying the event in my head over and over). I've been reading about postpartum hemorrhage and there's almost no information on the recovery. I'm lucky I didn't need a blood transfusion, my levels were on the cusp, but I'm suffering from terrible headaches and other symptoms that don't seem to be letting up. 

It's lonely enough being postpartum but this is a whole other layer I wasn't prepared for.  Why does nobody talk about this? I'm still processing it all and who knows if I ever really will. All I know is I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. 

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